A CASE FOR THE FBI
Who Bit Beyoncé? Everything We Know (And Don’t Know) So Far
The identity of the actress who sunk her teeth into Beyoncé’s face at a party is still a mystery—or is it?
What does it mean to “break the Internet”? In 2014, Kim Kardashian slathered her ass in baby oil and seemingly coined the term for freaking everybody out online. But it wasn’t until March 26, 2018—the day that Tiffany Haddish talked about the day that someone bit Beyoncé—that the world wide web officially went off the deep end.
Suddenly, the stock market is plummeting, Sanaa Lathan’s Instagram is covered in bees, and articles titled “Hollywood Actresses Strongly Deny Biting Beyoncé in the Face” are the new normal. Like a grizzled private detective—if private detectives’ only tactics were reading old TMZ articles and Googling “which actresses attended the after-party for Jay Z’s December 21st show in Inglewood” and “who bit Beyoncé?!?!” over and over—the internet is determined to solve this mystery once and for all. Or, if all else fails, to cyberbully Sanaa Lathan into a false confession.
Over the last 24 hours, the collective brainpower of billions of Beyhive members has unearthed a list of possible subjects and potential informants. Below is a non-exhaustive list of everything we know, and what’s gone down.
WYD, Tiffany Haddish?
Like you, Tiffany Haddish likes to regale both friends and strangers with tape recorders with fun party anecdotes. Unlike you, Tiffany Haddish once saw an actress bite Beyoncé in the face. If it wasn’t for Haddish, we wouldn’t know anything about the time a Hollywood actress got too high and went rabid on Beyoncé until Bey decided to make a visual album about it in five years and trademark a line of Bite t-shirts, hats and dentures.
Seemingly physically incapable of not telling a good story, Haddish is basically the last person you should be hanging out with if you’re Beyoncé. Beyoncé maintains total control over her public image, and knows how to keep a secret—Haddish, on the other hand, has told versions of this story to multiple outlets, from Vulture to TV One’s Uncensored. At first, the Girls Trip actress demurred that she wasn’t “at liberty to say what had went down” at the party where she took a selfie with Beyoncé, but alluded to some sort of drama; later, she divulged that “another actress” was “talking to Jay Z” and touching his chest, and Beyoncé was visibly not having it.
Luckily, GQ’s Caity Weaver had the bright idea to sequester Haddish on a whale watching tour. Eventually, Haddish cracked and told Weaver the whole thing, alleging that there was an actress there who was “doing the mostest”: including, but not limited to, biting Beyoncé in the face. Weaver wrote, “According to Haddish, she and the actress continued to cross paths throughout the night, culminating in a brief standoff. The actress, at one point, told Haddish to stop dancing, which—good luck making that happen.”
Haddish concluded her story “near the end of the party,” recalling, “Beyoncé's at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don't do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.’”
What does Beyoncé have to say about all of this?
“I absolutely cannot comment on any of this, as I have no knowledge,” Beyoncé’s representative, Yvette Noel-Schure, told GQ.
So who did it?
The most thorough investigation is over at Vulture, where Hunter Harris narrowed down the list of suspected celebrity after-party attendees to only actresses: Rihanna, Queen Latifah, Sara Foster, and Sanaa Lathan. Amateur investigators have also weighed in.
Sara Foster knows she isn’t famous enough to bite Beyoncé.
Actress Sanaa Lathan is one of the more compelling candidates: not only was she at the concert, but according to a tipster, Haddish offered more clues during a standup show, revealing that the actress in question used to date French Montana. Because of Watch What Happens Live, we know that Lathan and French Montana “did hang out for a minute.” Here is what the internet does when you are suspected of biting Beyoncé:
If she did it...
Because Sanaa Lathan doesn’t want to come home to a bed full of decapitated bee heads and/or because she didn’t bite Beyoncé, she issued the following tweet:
So who didn’t do it?
Great question! Thanks to investigative journalism, we have an answer, as the Huffington Post has published a still-updating list of every A-list actor who didn’t bite Beyoncé, including: Jennifer Aniston, Julie Andrews, Shirley MacLaine (“she’s 83 years old, for God’s sake”), Amy Adams, and Jodie Foster.
According to the Huffington Post, “Requests for comment from Rihanna, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Taylor Swift, Meryl Streep, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Emma Stone, Kate Winslet, Anne Hathaway, Sandra Bullock, Ellen DeGeneres, Jane Fonda, Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, Kristen Stewart, Reese Witherspoon, Selena Gomez, Michelle Pfeiffer, Mila Kunis, Barbra Streisand, Dakota Fanning, James Franco, Diddy, G-Eazy, Big Sean, French Montana, Vic Mensa, Michael B. Jordan and Anthony Anderson were not immediately returned.”
How about Jennifer Lawrence?
Jennifer Lawrence was in New York at the time of the alleged bite, so don’t even try it.
Taraji P. Henson?
Is Chrissy Teigen somehow involved?
Another great question! Initially, Teigen weighed in on the Haddish profile, tweeting, “I cannot leave this planet without knowing who bit Beyoncé in the face.” Later, she added, “I can only think of one person who would do this. but I cannot say. but she....is the worst.” Unlike the rest of us, who are not famous, Teigen was actually able to find out who did it, tweeting, “Update it is NOT the person I think is the worst. IM DONE.”
What are some other theories?
In conclusion: Tiffany Haddish and Chrissy Teigen both know who bit Beyoncé. We don’t know who bit Beyoncé. Sanaa Lathan didn’t bite Beyoncé—unless she did. 🐝🐝🐝🐝