Howard Stern is, hands down, the greatest celebrity interviewer ever. His unparalleled prying ability and imposing stature completely disarms his eager-to-please guests, who crumble under a barrage of deeply personal questions. It’s also an exercise in ego-fuel—for both Howard, and his guest(s); a 6:30 a.m. on-air circle jerk. And as far as masturbatory self-disclosure goes, well, no one tops The Donald.
Yes, Donald Trump, a man once accused of “rape,” a man who delivers racist rants directed at illegal immigrants yet allegedly built his empire on the backs of them, and a man who drones on and on about how he’d kick-start the economy when his actual catchphrase is “You’re Fired,” possesses that rare mix of foot-in-mouth syndrome and unbridled egotism that makes him a perfect match for the Howard Stern Show. We’ve already chronicled his truly insane fight on the Stern Show from 2001, where Trump bragged for 30 minutes about stealing a gossip columnist’s girlfriend (“Any girl you have, I can take from you,” he said), but in 2013, the real estate mogul/mouth-breather, who’s somehow jumped way far ahead of the GOP presidential pack heading into Thursday night’s first round of televised debates, gave arguably his most unfiltered, wackiest interview to date.
Trump was on the Stern Show to promote The Apprentice and his Miss Universe Pageant, and, in his nasally New Yawk voice, unleashed a name-dropping extravaganza. “I know everybody,” The Donald boasted, before claiming to be pals with Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Lindsay Lohan (?), Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and others. He also used the occasion to summon his misogynistic side, deconstructing many of Hollywood’s most famous women based on their looks and behavior.
Here are a few examples:
Beyoncé: “At the Super Bowl, when Beyoncé was thrusting her hips forward in a very suggestive manner, if someone else had done that, it would’ve been a national scandal,” he said. “I thought it was ridiculous.” He added, “I just thought it was not appropriate… The way the so-and-so was thrust forward continuously, give me a break.”
Halle Berry: “I love her… upper body. I think her skin is beautiful. I’ve seen her, you know, many times. What I hate about Halle Berry is there’s always drama around her. It’s always fighting, automobile accidents, fistfights, boyfriends fighting ex-husbands for the child.”Kim Kardashian: “Does she have a good body? No. Does she have a fat ass? Absolutely.”
Mila Kunis: “No [she’s not hot]. Not to me. She’s an attractive person, but when you look at Diana Mendoza, when you look at the Miss Universe people, that’s why I’m so jaded.”
Jessica Chastain: “She’s a nice actress, I guess, but she’s certainly not hot.”
Twitter: “They’re all saying it’s the best,” he said of his Twitter. “They say I’m the best tweeter, because I’m controversial.”
After reducing a handful of dynamic celebrity women to a verdict on their looks, Trump got a bit more serious. “I’ve gotten seriously political,” said Trump, before fielding a series of questions about his stance on abortion.“I know they love you in the Tea Party and stuff,” said Stern. “Are you really anti-abortion? You’re not. I know you’re not. There’s no way.”
Trump took a long time to respond, and seemed to be completely thrown by the question. “Well… it’s a whole thing, Howard,” Trump said. “I feel certain ways about things… I’ve never really been exposed to that. And that’s always been my view, to be anti—obviously with passes, rape and this,” he said. “It’s actually split up, Howard, about 55 percent of this country feel that way.”
Stern, a longtime pal of Trump’s, pressed for more. “But I know you. I know you. There is no way that you, personally, are against abortion.”
“Well, it’s never been my big issue, Howard,” replied Trump. “And you know, somebody asked me and I say ‘pro-life,’ but it’s never been an issue that’s really been discussed with me in great detail, to be honest with you.”
Then Stern’s co-conspirator, Robin Quivers, chimed in: “Do you really think that the government should be regulating what a woman’s personal decision is?”
Again, Trump seemed hesitant. “Well, a lot of people do, Robin,” he said, before adding, “I’ve been pro-life, Howard. I’ve been pro-life.” (Of course, Trump used to be, in his words, “very pro-choice.”)
Trump, who now claims to be worth $10 billion and whose Manhattan penthouse is all-gold and the height of tackiness, also fired several shots at fellow Republican Mitt Romney for being, well, poor compared to The Donald.“How successful is he? He’s worth a couple hundred million dollars which, by your standards and by my standards, I mean… it is a lot… it’s like the cost of a yacht,” said Trump, adding, “When I was thinking about running, and I was therefore running against Romney—who I actually like—but I said, ‘No, no—Romney’s a small-time businessman. He’s only worth $200 million. I have much more cash than that.’”
He also said that, if he were elected president, he’d want the Marines to act as his own personal assistants, carrying his luggage off of Air Force One. “Jimmy Carter used to walk off the airplane carrying his own luggage. Do you remember that?” asked Trump. “I don’t want my president carrying—I want the freaking Marines to be carrying his luggage, and they want to carry his luggage. They want to carry it.”
One of the oddest portions of the interview came when Stern asked Trump if he’d play a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The three people offered up were: Bill Maher, Barack Obama, and Seth Meyers (who'd recently ripped Trump a new one at the White House Correspondents' Dinner). Trump agreed.
“Seth Meyers is highly overrated as a comedian,” Trump said. “I think we’ll lose him. Of the other two, I think I’d marry Obama. I think he’s a lot smarter than Bill Maher, and I do like intelligence. And he’s faithful. I dunno, you tell me. Is he faithful?”But the most illuminating part of the talk came when Trump was asked to describe why he’s such a big fan of Sarah Palin. For a guy who’s an adamant proponent of campaign finance reform, hitting at opposing candidates for accepting large donations, it seems as if the only thing it takes for someone to get on Trump’s good side is a bit of verbal ass-kissing—even if it’s Snooki.
“I often think of people by the way they treat me,” he said. “[Palin’s] been so nice to me—she said the greatest things about me publicly. I’ll tell you who said that the other day: Snooki. Snooki said, ‘It’s too bad. Donald Trump should’ve been our president, and we would have no problems’… Then somebody asked me, ‘What do you think of Snooki?’ and I said, ‘She’s fantastic.’”