This week was the Kardashians’ craziest week ever! Well, probably not. And it hasn’t even been a week yet. But just play along.
Last weekend, Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West celebrated their first wedding anniversary in style, trading adorable Instagrams and tweets back and forth, because love means never having to turn your phone off or actually be in the same physical space as your spouse. Kris Jenner also seized the moment to publish a video of Kim and Kanye’s first dance, a touchingly awkward shuffle proving once and for all that: 1. Kris Jenner can make literally anything about her, and 2. Kanye West is actually a sheepish, handsy bar mitzvah boy trapped in the body of a legendary black rapper. Mazel Tov, and your secret is safe with us.
On Monday Kylie Jenner launched a chemtrail conspiracy theory from her personal Twitter. The 17-year-old accused some unknown enemy (Aviation officials? Blac Chyna?) of poisoning the world and killing the honeybees with airplane emissions in an energetic meme that can only be described as syntactically “on one.” With her modern ideas on grammar and prose form, her anti-government paranoia, and her 25-year-old boyfriend, Kylie is the closest thing the Jenner family will ever have to a college graduate.
While Kylie was questioning the military industrial complex, Khloé Kardashian, ever the original, decided to go in a different direction, thinking less than she ever had before. On Tuesday, Khloé posted a picture of herself to Instagram. But that’s not all! The photo showed Kardashian embracing Dubai by donning a niqab, a traditionally Muslim religious veil revealing only her sparkling green eyes and her total lack of sensitivity. As the old Kardashian motto (likely) goes, nothing frames your cat eyes OR tomorrow’s TMZ headlines quite like a culturally appropriative accessory.
On the very same Tuesday, while Khloé was distracting everyone with her ignorance and feminine wiles, Kris Jenner quietly filed legal documents to trademark the incredibly stupid sounding word “momager.” Stupid like a fox! If her petition is granted, Jenner will be able to sue anyone who uses the nickname without her permission. For all of you who aren’t in the know, “momager” is the cross between a mom and a manager—and Kris Jenner is the cross between a “momager” and that parasitic iteration of Voldemort that attaches itself to the back of younger peoples’ heads and survives off of stolen unicorn blood (or in her case, product placement money and coconut water).
Also this week, Kylie isn’t pregnant, Kendall Jenner might be dating F1 racer Lewis Hamilton (not Bieber), Bruce Jenner likely did not undergo/is not currently recovering from gender reassignment surgery, and we are all reporting nonexistent news back and forth, typing endlessly into the ether in an attempt to satiate an increasingly content-obsessed, Kardashian-starved world. Or, as Rob Kardashian so eloquently articulates on a pair of socks he sells online for 15 dollars, “Fuck Me.”
From the nihilistic tone of this Kardashian article, you might be quick to diagnose me with “Kardashian Fatigue.” Unlike Bieber Fever or Linsanity, Kardashian Fatigue was once thought to be terminal. While little kids eventually learn that Justin Bieber is the worst and sports are silly and uninteresting, blogs and killjoys have been predicting the end of the Kardashians since back when Brody Jenner was a heartthrob and Ray J was relevant. Being totally, unambiguously over the Kardashians has long been the established norm.
Everyone knows that the Kardashians are money hungry and fame thirsty; stupid and superficial; dumb and dumber. These are the sort of officious judgments we confidently pass in between taking selfies, while we’re “hate watching” KUWTK with 2 to 4 million other rapt viewers, or we’re scrolling through (or writing) blog posts like this one. We call the Kardashians delusional, but we’re the deluded ones if we think our hypocritical, judgmental protestations are putting even a dint in their popularity. Who among us hasn’t spent hours falling down the rabbit hole that is the Kardashian Klan’s Instagram? Who hasn’t found themselves rooting for Kris Jenner—the reality TV game Lady Macbeth—and her various business enterprises/assorted progeny? Who hasn’t drunkenly considered getting blue hair extensions a la Kylie, or investing in an ass like Kim’s? Et tu, Internet?
In the midst of all this trendy fatigue, something amazing has happened—call it the backlash to the backlash, or simply call it inevitable—whatever you want to call it, it’s clear that the Kardashians have somehow gone from tasteless hacks to tastemakers, and are now being heralded as artistic visionaries and business-savvy moguls. The Kardashians have evolved from products to creators, constantly reconfiguring their own image into more and more awe-inspiring, previously unfathomable variations. Bruce is blowing up gender binaries on E! Kim’s book of selfies, Selfish, is a masterpiece! Kris Jenner is petitioning to own the combination of two extremely commonplace words! This is some next-level shit.
Suddenly, appreciating the Kardashians isn’t basic; it’s downright enlightened. The Kardashians’ deliberate overexposure, once a trigger for fanatic hatred and fatigue, is now being interpreted as a symptom of their brilliance. As we struggle to sort through the conflicting adjectives (highbrow, lowbrow, intelligent, inane) in our collective Kardashian consciousness, the Kardashians are thriving off of our attention, apparently unconcerned with whether their actions are being greeted with accolades or insults. We don’t know what to do with these confusing Kardashians, but they know exactly how to handle us, the entertainment-starved, pseudo-critical masses. Our jeers and think pieces are all leading to the same place: a Kardashian’s bank account. It doesn’t matter if you love them, hate them, or love to hate them—the Kardashians are going to have the last laugh.
And you’re going to watch.