On Monday night, The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah dug into the damning 448-page Mueller report, which dropped Thursday.
And right off the bat, he criticized Attorney General William Barr for leaving out “a lot of juicy details” in his four-page summary of the report. Some of these include how, on the day Robert Mueller was appointed special counsel, President Trump “slumped back in his chair and said, ‘Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my presidency. I’m fucked.’”
Noah laughed. “OK, I’m sorry, that is hilarious. When Trump found out Mueller was investigating, he slumped in his chair and said, ‘I’m fucked.’ You know why I like that? Because he always acts like nothing always fazes him… but it turns out Trump panics about his presidency as much as the rest of us,” Noah said. “It’s a good feeling to know. It’s almost like we’re on a plane with crazy turbulence and we all think we’re in this alone, and the pilot is also in the cockpit like, ‘I’m F-ed!’” (Editor’s Note: I’m not sure how that’s the least bit comforting.)
“In addition to that, [Barr’s] summary absolved Trump of obstruction of justice,” Noah explained. “What it didn’t mention is that, for two years, Trump was constantly trying to stop the investigation. The only thing that prevented him from doing that is that the White House is baby-proof.”
Yes, the Mueller report gave instances of at least 10 former or current Trump administration officials or associates either ignoring or failing to follow through with the president’s orders to impede the investigation—including White House Counsel Don McGahn, who ignored Trump’s repeated requests to fire Mueller, ultimately quitting instead after telling then-chief of staff Reince Priebus that the president had asked him to do “crazy shit.”
“Oh yes, he asked them to do crazy shit,” offered Noah. “That’s right—Trump was constantly telling his aides to do obstruction-y things, and they just ignored him. So that was basically obstruction of obstruction of justice. And in a way, this is almost comforting, because you realize that yes, Trump is corrupt enough to want to abuse his powers, but he’s also too lazy to follow through. That’s a nice thing to know.”
Noah saved the bulk of his ire, however, for Barr. “This gummy-bear lawyer over here conveniently left out all the details that make Trump look not good,” said Noah. “Right before he released the report—don’t forget—Barr gave a press conference where he said Trump was fully cooperative with the Mueller probe.”
This was clearly baloney, since Trump refused to sit down for an interview with Mueller’s team and then gave a variation of “I don’t recall” 37 times in his written responses to Mueller’s questions.
“It’s also funny that Trump can’t remember what happened a year ago, but when Christine Blasey Ford couldn’t remember any detail from 30 years ago [at the Kavanaugh hearing], he judged her like this.”
The Comedy Central host then threw to a clip of Trump at a rally last year mocking Dr. Ford: “How did you get home? I don’t remember. How’d you get there? I don’t remember. Where is the place? I don’t remember. How many years ago was it? I don’t know.”
“See? This just proves my theory: Everything Trump says about women is actually true about himself,” said Noah. “He’s always making things up, he’s overly emotional, and most of all, he’s the one with the great boobs.”