The editors at Deadspin had the inspired idea of sending veteran sportswriter Pat Jordan, one of the flintiest characters ever to walk that beat, to spring break in Daytona Beach, Florida. It was not Jordan’s first time at the beach. He uses his initial dispatch from this debauched Eden to recount the time he got into a fight with a rollerblader, and how some horny dudes tried to videotape his wife. For this particular mission, Jordan says he’s bringing a cargo van. And a gun.