Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker’s role as a board member for World Patent Marketing has been turning some heads this week, including those of House Democrats who want to investigate the company that allegedly scammed million of dollars from its customers.
Stephen Colbert dedicated the bulk of his monologue Wednesday night to the revelations about Whitaker’s company, from its attempts to prove that Bigfoot is real to its belief in the viability of time travel.
“Whitaker’s company was shut down for defrauding investors out of $26 million,” Colbert told viewers. “So, this has all been fun, right? Bigfoot, time travel, fraud. You can’t ask for more. And yet, the Matt Whitaker giveth, because I invite you now to join me in viewing the best product the new attorney general of the United States ever helped sell the world: the extra-deep ‘masculine toilet’ for the well-endowed.”
“Lord, I don’t know what I did to deserve Matthew Whitaker,” he continued, “but I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart—and from the bottom of my, I now see, feminine toilet.” The idea behind this “actual patent application,” the Late Show host explained, is “that well-endowed men would dip a, let’s say, toe in the water of a regular toilet,” whereas the distance between the seat and the water in this new product would be at least 12 inches.
“Now, to the men out there: If you need this toilet, you’re not ‘extra masculine,’ you are in need of medical attention,” he said. “Either that, or... you’re Bigfoot!”
Later, Colbert added, “Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, hey, this is great news for my penis, but does the attorney general of the United States, Matt Whitaker, have anything for my testicles? Don’t worry. World Patent Marketing also had a product called snowballs, cooling underwear designed to maximize fertility by lowering the temperature of your testicles and help you optimize the production of natural testosterone.”
“Yes, snowballs make you more fertile, assuming you can find a woman willing to have sex with your ice-cold junk,” he joked.