Saturday Night Live had a lot of Donald Trump news to choose from tonight after taking two weeks off. And the show did not hesitate to dive in headfirst during the cold open sketch.
With Alec Baldwin taking the week off as President Trump and Melissa McCarthy’s Sean Spicer nowhere in sight, it was left to Kate McKinnon to reprise her role as Jeff Sessions from last month, beginning the show seated on a bench, offering some chocolates to Leslie Jones.
“I am the attorney general of the whole United States,” he bragged. “I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. Being in the government is so fun.”
Yes, in SNL’s world, Sessions is the new Forrest Gump. And he even has a best friend with no legs: Kellyanne Conway. “We’re about as close as peas and carrots,” he said. “She is the best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skunk. But they don’t let her talk no more. I miss you Kelly.”
“I always say, life is like a box of chocolates,” he added, looking in the box. “Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there!”
“Yeah, I had a bad week,” Sessions told the next man to sit down on his bench. “Started out real good. The president made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as a monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts, saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do, so my lawyer said, ‘Run, Jeffy, run!’ I started running, and running, and I ended all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.”
Later, after a shirtless Vladimir Putin sat down next to Sessions on the bench—“This meeting never happened”—the night’s host Octavia Spencer showed up as her Oscar-winning character from The Help. And just like in that movie, she had a very special pie with Sessions’ name on it.