Like Elizabeth Warren before her, Samantha Bee decided to go high for Hillary Clinton after going so, so low against Donald Trump over the past year. And instead of taking on Clinton’s opponent, she spent most of her opening segment going after her husband.
“This is supposed to be our moment,” Bee said at the top of her election eve show. “Tomorrow, girls who were born before women had the right to vote will have a chance to vote for a woman.” Yet, she added, most have not been able to “savor this historic election” because “evidently a critical mass of Americans find a normal, center-left policy nerd less likable than a vindictive, pussy-grabbing hate Zamboni who jokes about killing his enemies.”
“If you don’t like how Hillary Clinton seems like a fake politician robot, here’s how that happened,” Bee added. “Spoiler alert, it was our fault. We created her by slowly tearing down a badass feminist named Hillary Rodham.”
Over the next several minutes, Bee took a trip down memory lane through the candidate’s history, from her days at Wellesley College to the time she had to decide between running for Congress and trying to “save this hillbilly from his own wandering dick for the next couple of decades.”
One pivotal moment came when she failed the Washington, D.C. bar exam and believed it was a sign telling her to follow Bill Clinton to Arkansas. “Oh my God, woman! You failed one test and decided to go become a politician’s wife in Arkansas? Most women only do that when they fail a pregnancy test.”
From there, she changed her last name, her appearance, and then when she became first lady of the United States in 1992, her outspoken attitude, all so that Americans would like her. “Not that it worked,” Bee said. “We still let Congress drag Hillary’s uppity ass in to testify whenever they notice a pile of taxpayer money and decide, ‘Say, gents, should we waste this on a witch hunt?”
“If I were Hillary, I would have dumped America by now,” Bee continued. “But she’s terrible at knowing when to leave a relationship. My point is, Hillary Clinton has spent the past 40 years learning to mask her authenticity.”
“Look, if you can’t bring yourself to vote for Hillary Clinton, I get it. I’m not voting for Hillary Clinton either,” she concluded. “I’m voting for Hillary Goddamn Brilliant Badass Queen Beyoncé Rodham.”