Samantha Bee opened this week’s episode of Full Frontal by thanking Donald Trump for actually keeping one of his campaign promises. No, not pulling out of the Paris climate agreement. “Ooh, no, that was a campaign threat,” she clarified. Bee was talking about #Covfefe.
“Last night, for five blessed hours, Donald J. Trump made America truly great,” Bee said of the bizarre tweet that remained on the president’s Twitter account for most of the night. “Trump is right. He really does have the best words!”
“The Twitterverse greeted ‘covfefe’s’ arrival with unfettered rapture,” she continued, poking fun at the outsize reaction. “For that glorious interlude between midnight and 5 a.m., we were like passengers on the Titanic who decided to say ‘Fuck it!’ and rock out to the band. ‘Thank you, we are Covfefe. We’ll all be dead real soon!’”
“This is what happens when you’ve abstained from your phone for nine days, you ejaculate just like that,” Bee said of Trump’s Twitter-free foreign trip. Moving through an elaborate Mad Max: Fury Road analogy about the president’s Saudi Arabia visit, Bee noted that Trump saved the “actual fury” for Europe.
But Bee’s fury was reserved for “precocious slumlord and part-time death-mask model Jared Kushner,” who it was revealed was allegedly trying to set up secret backchannel communications with Russia before his father-in-law took office. “You thought Ivanka’s last book was bad? Just wait until Jared goes to jail. Her new book is going to be fire! In a trash can. It’s going to be a trash can fire.”
“Look, we can’t assume that Jared knowingly broke the law,” Bee added. “It’s possible that the Russians planted this story to screw with us. It’s also possible that the person POTUS trusts with negotiating Mideast peace, reforming the criminal-justice system, solving the opioid epidemic, advising the commander in chief and reinventing the entire government is just a complete fucking idiot! How comforting.”
All of this has led Trump’s personal lawyers to try to rein in his behavior, getting him to cancel a rally in Iowa and threatening to actually vet his tweets. “He cannot live like this!” Bee said. “Trump without screaming mobs and Twitter bots is like Tinker Bell without clapping.”
“Oh, it is a dark time for this president,” she said. “But perhaps he can cast his gaze upon that bust of Winston Churchill and draw inspiration from the great leader’s example… of partnering with Russia to defeat Germany.”