COIF CANDIDACY

Romney’s Hair for President

It has sat quietly atop his head for long enough. American voters, Mitt Romney’s hair has something to say! The “hybrid of every classic American presidential hairstyle since the 1930s” feels primed for the presidency, and McSweeney's has its story. It might even go a little crazy on the campaign trail, letting some locks falling out of place. Like its owner, Mitt’s hair is going for the win and is not keen on the competition. Newt Gingrich’s style is “boxed mashed potatoes on top of his fat watermelon face,” while Rick Santorum asks his barber for “the Bob Saget.” Ron Paul still has some tresses in the game, but should watch out. Mitt’s coif “will not be denied.”