As noted Kardashian tax dependent Tyga once said, “Everybody deserves to be happy.” At the time, the “Rack City” rapper and G.O.O.D. Music charity case was referring to the unholy union between his ex, Blac Chyna, and Rob Kardashian. The ensuing web of brothers, wives, and baby mamas was the stuff that family tree project nightmares are made of—Tyga’s current girlfriend, Kylie Jenner, is Rob Kardashian’s half-sister. Soon King Cairo, Tyga and Blac Chyna’s son, could be calling Kylie Jenner both mom and aunt. It’s a heavy burden of confusion to bear, especially for a kid who’s already named King Cairo. Meanwhile, Kris Jenner sits on top of this whole tangled mess like a particularly well preserved mama spider, pulling strings, orchestrating tweet storms, and trying to keep all her kids and grandkids from killing each other.
Prior to Rob and Blac Chyna’s engagement, the video vixen and eyelash mogul formerly known as Angela White had a storied history of feuding with Kylie Jenner on social media. As a grown-ass woman who was getting name-dropped by Drake back before Jenner had lips, let alone a line of lip kits, Chyna didn’t take well to the teenager who was shacking up with her baby daddy.
When Jenner Instagrammed photos of herself with Tyga, Chyna published his thirsty texts trying to get her back. Blac Chyna shared a picture of the expensive watch that Tyga bought her, so Kylie Jenner posted a snap of her own Tyga timepiece. And when Tyga tried to gift Kylie with a car that looked remarkably like his baby mama’s old red G-wagon, Blac Chyna publicly demanded receipts proving that he wasn’t re-gifting. As in all social media wars, there were winners, and there were losers. Chyna and Jenner’s Instagram back and forth raised awareness for sports bra selfies, mirror pics, and shade so blatant that it can’t in all good conscience still be called shade. Also, Tyga is a loser.
But just when Jenner and Chyna seemed to be approaching a detente, Chyna employed an unprecedented tactical maneuver. By fishing Rob Kardashian out of his designer sock drawer, dragging him to the gym and putting a ring on his finger, Chyna was able to revive Rob’s brand while simultaneously having her own Kardashian revenge. It was an unparalleled feat of ingenuity, comparable only to Kylie Jenner convincing the world that she invented lip liner, and Kanye West willing himself out of personal debt with his own mind. Like a true Kardashian, Chyna knows that 90 percent of fame is just showing up and never leaving.
The Kardashians ranted and wailed about the new couple on their show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, boosting interest in the millionth season of the reality TV behemoth. Kylie Jenner posted a reconciliation selfie with her former nemesis, feeding her insatiable social media following. Rob and Chyna got their own series on E!, gifting the world with six new hours of mindless entertainment. The Kardashian machine, which runs on petty drama and low-fat Asian chicken salad, whirred on, taking in profits and pushing out content. Kendall walked runways, Kris mainlined Botox, Kourtney cut solid food out of her diet and Kanye West courted controversy. The earth orbited the sun and Kylie Jenner became the fifth most followed person on Instagram.
And then, this week, a meteor hit Calabasas. In a series of ill-timed tweets—Kris Jenner would never have approved Internet-breaking tea on debate night!—the Kardashian family’s only dude went off on Kylie. “Didn’t invite the Mother of my child to a baby shower you all were trying to throw for me!!? You all must have lost your damn minds [comma, comma, comma, black woman raising her right hand emoji],” Rob exclaimed. And, as punishment for his sisters’ sins, Kardashian proceeded to tweet out Kylie Jenner’s personal phone number, not once but twice. “I aint hacked either this is rob dog,” he added, sensing an opportune moment to make his new nickname stick. As of Tuesday morning, Rob still hadn’t deleted his tweets, to the delight of fans who spent the night hitting Jenner up for free lip kits and college tuition money. While the number has since been disconnected, the savagery of Rob’s initial leak still stands.
In the past, Rob has come under fire from social media queen Kim Kardashian for allowing his girlfriend to blast Kylie in interviews and on Instagram. In a recent episode of KUWTK, Kardashian called Rob to chastise him and Chyna, insisting, “We’ve got to keep it tighter and not have this internal argument that we bring out to the world.” As someone who recently ended Taylor Swift via social media, Kim knows that you don’t win the Pulitzer Prize for Snapchat Journalism (still pending) by pulling out receipts for every single slight—and you definitely don’t go after your own family online.
Given the confusing nature of Rob’s accusation—a missing Paperless Post invitation probably could have been sorted out via text or FaceTime, without the help of millions of Twitter followers—this could just be a publicity stunt. While Rob & Chyna debuted in early September with over 2 million viewers, KUWTK has recently found itself in a ratings slump. A feud like this, which was orchestrated by Rob and has the potential to piss off every member of the extended family, has serious crossover potential. A scene in which Kylie Jenner’s phone unexpectedly goes off with unsolicited nudes and prank phone calls? Watchable! A full family meeting/confrontation in an abandoned backroom of Nobu? That’s must-see TV!