Today Complex’s First We Feast food blog dropped a bombshell of a brilliant article detailing their “discovery” of a Guy Fieri mixtape featuring such stars as Drake, 50 Cent, Vanilla Ice, Kid Rock, and more. And while it’s almost completely plausible that the frosty-tipped, backward sunglass wearing affront to fine food Fieri would go so far as to make a star-studded vanity record, and that it, and sure, he probably could get a bevvy of A, B, and D list artists to jump on board, the fact is The Mayor of Flavortown is just too damn good to be true.
From the Kid Rock-ripoff flow to lyrical miracles bragging about calories (I’m a bleach-blond gourmand, fuck what you heard/My daily calorie count is fucking absurd) and poking jabs at Fieri nemesis Anthony Bourdain:
“Let me tell you ’bout a shit stain stuck to my shoe
Fan-thony Bourdain, this High Life’s for you
Got my name in his mouth like some gourmet ants
Thinking he’s Robuchon cuz he stepped foot in France
You’re a fan, a phony, a fake, a punk, a stan
I still whoop your ass and I got a better tan
Motherfuck Bour motherfuck Dain motherfuck Parts Unknown
I don’t need no reservations, ho”
It’s nearly impossible to envision the king of low-brow food and recipient of hands down the most harshly biting, passionately poisoned restaurant reviews ever penned—from The New York Times, of all places (And fuck Pete Wells, that dude is a layman (lame man)/He knows nothing about cuisine inspired by Van Halen)—being remotely capable of possessing the brilliance and self-deprecation required to cobble this together.
Yet no matter if it was a Complex intern on a heady hot sauce and water bong high or a parody from someone in the no-doubt clever and mischievous Bourdain camp, “Donkey Sauce Flow” is 110% worth a listen. And if it turns out that somehow, some way, Fieri himself is behind this, then, well, I’m prepared to eat some crow. Even if they have to triple fry it and douse it in the aforementioned mayonnaise-mashup of misery that is the Donkey Sauce.