Kim Kardashian’s Valentine’s Day Massacre
You too can buy Kim K.’s vision of the ultimate romantic night in, including a stripper pole, candy G-string, and a snowman-shaped vibrator.
Let us, for a moment, look forward to Valentine’s Day, when thousands of women will receive a compulsory bouquet of flowers—likely roses—from a special someone in their lives.
Some will come home after a mediocre, overpriced meal at a restaurant filled with mooning celebrants to find a dusting of rose petals on their bed.
Still others might be gifted with a can of “Booty Parlor Melt Chocolate Body Fondue” and a stack of “Steamy” coupons, which don’t offer discounts but rather “22 naughty ideas sure to turn up the heat.” Amazing.
Rose petals, body fondue, steamy coupons—these are a few of the tantalizing selections from Kim Kardashian-West’s “Behind Closed Doors” Valentine’s Day Gift Guide, which she posted to her blog on Tuesday evening. Visitors were greeted by a mood board centered around her bare bum, pointing skyward like a beacon of, well, all things in Kim Kardashian-land.
Now that Kim’s husband, Kanye West, has revealed his sexual preferences on Twitter—namely, that he does not like when a woman plays with his bum (“I stay away from that area altogether. I’m not into that kind of shit.”)—Kim has hinted at her proclivities, all of which can be purchased online.
The fantasy includes a stripper pole, a candy g-string, a snowman-shaped vibrator, purple sheets by Ralph Lauren, purple bubble bath, and a purple, $10,000 bottle of champagne, among other kinky clichés.
Call me a killjoy, but the projected fantasy seems slapdash and wholly unoriginal, like a parody of Kim’s Valentine’s Day desires—the kind of gag gifts a bride-to-be collects during her bachelorette party—with her beacon-like bum as the centerpiece.
The whole thing would be less befuddling if Kim Kardashian-West possessed a hearty sense of humor, but “funny” is not a word frequently used to describe Kim. That said, she is at least unintentionally funny, whereas her husband is utterly humorless.
This brings me to another Kimye-branded gift guide on the site, “For Him,” which featured a $3,000 Yeezy Lambskin Bomber, a pair of $600 sweats from West’s fashion line, and a $1000 backpack by MCM. The mood board here was truly esoteric: pictures of a brick wall and a volcano erupting next to the MCM backpack.
Separate from the candy G-string and chocolate body fondue, a selection of gifts “For Her” includes dainty lingerie, a cell phone case with LED lighting for optimal selfies, and Kim’s very own “Glam” perfume, her newest of four fragrances. Kim once said of her “Signature” perfume: “The end result is light enough to wear during the day, but very volumptuous.”
She meant voluptuous, but “volumptuous” has a special Kardashian ring to it. Much like her gift guide (and several edgy-bizarre fashion editorials the couple has appeared in) it evokes a beautiful, curvy woman splayed out on purple sheets, her fleshy protrusions smeared with chocolate body fondue, as a dour-looking Kanye surveys the scene with his back against a stripper pole.