Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are American royalty. Or as West himself put it in a new “his and hers” interview with Harper’s Bazaar, the couple is “the future, modern Versailles, modern Versace, modern Calabasas, paparazzi, celebrity language.” Interviews with Kanye West often read like a mix between an art history lecture and a random word generator. Meanwhile, Kim has such tight control over her public image that her rote soundbites can exhibit less depth than her contouring. That’s why Kim and Kanye are such a good match. Kanye is full of ideas, and Kim knows how to convert his visions into full, human sentences. Kanye designs clothes, and Kim sells them. Kanye is fascinated by the nature of modern American celebrity, and Kim lives it every day.
Right now, Kimye is riding high in the wake of their Taylor Swift smackdown. On Wednesday, West fully gloated about the social media burial when he joined Drake on stage in Chicago. “All I gotta say is, I’m so glad my wife has Snapchat!” ’Ye told the crowd, before launching into his infamous song “Famous.” “Because now you all can know the truth! And can’t nobody talk shit about ’Ye no more!” Kim has been on a victory tour of her own this week, posing for pictures with Taylor’s recent ex Calvin Harris and Snapchatting herself lip-synching to her husband’s controversial T. Swift lyrics because the couple that dances on the graves of their vanquished foes together, stays together.
Between their mutually held celebrity grudges, two adorable kids, and complementary closets stocked with neutral staples, it’s easy to forget that the Wests aren’t just your average unfathomably rich family. In fact, they’re really weird. Really, ridiculously, amazingly weird. Accompanied by a Karl Lagerfeld shoot, Harper’s aptly titled cover story “Icons: In Bed with Kim and Kanye” is an unforgettable window into all things West. Seriously, once you read that Kim’s secret talent is an ability to smell cavities in other people’s mouths, you will never be able to forget it for as long as you live. Harper’s Bazaar has stumbled upon the one thing that’s missing from Keeping Up with The Kardashians. While KUWTK follows Kim and kin through the minutiae of their daily lives, from lunch salad to dinner salad and every training session in between, the producers never just sit the Kardashians down and ask them a series of totally random questions—like, what’s your favorite vegetable? Does anything matter? Can you fit your entire fist in your mouth? If they did, it would look a little something like this interview. Here’s what we learned:
Kim and Kanye are magic
If you ever wondered what makes Kimye different from the rest of us, you can stop wondering. It’s not the fact that Kanye can sell “40,000 shoes” in one minute, or that Kim, who has given birth to two children, can still pull off a nude bodysuit. It’s just plain old magical powers. Apparently, Kanye West remembers having a single insecurity, once: “I used to have insecurity about my finances, then I announced that I had debt, and now I don’t have any insecurities.” Kim chimed in, adding, “Then you didn’t have any debt; it seemed to all figure it out.” Surprising absolutely no one, Kanye West possesses the ability to alter reality through the power of his own mind. Also, Kim Kardashian “can smell when someone has a cavity. It’s a very specific smell—not a bad-breath smell—but something that is really strong.”
Kim and Kanye are really into each other
They might spend half their time raking in millions, and the other half silently sitting next to each other and staring at their own faces reflected back to them in their iPad selfie cams, but at the end of the day, Kim and Kanye are just two people in love. Like really, really in love. Kanye starts off the aww-fest by claiming that his favorite part of Kim’s body is her heart. While Kim agrees that her heart is aight, what she really likes about herself is her “upper stomach” and abs. That being said, she loves Kanye’s heart too. And his legs. You guys!
Later on, Kanye artfully compliments his wife, whose pregnant body was famously over-scrutinized by the media. He insists, “You killed this second pregnancy, though. Your body slammed that crap. You made that second pregnancy your bitch.”
But the best Kanye-loves-Kim moment came when the interviewer asked Yeezy about Kim’s famous nude selfies. His response? “I love her nude selfies. Like, I love the ones from the side, the back ones, and the front. I just love seeing her naked; I love nudity. And I love beautiful shapes. I feel like it’s almost a Renaissance thing, a painting, a modern version of a painting. I think it’s important for Kim to have her figure. To not show it would be like Adele not singing.”
And if that wasn’t sweet enough, Kanye even expresses a shared interest in his wife’s favorite hobby: “I used to do nude selfies in my single days. You'd get a good cock shot here and there.”
Kim and Kanye are richer than you
The interview really takes a turn for the magnificent when Kim and Kanye are asked about the “last thing you bought yourselves and each other.” Kim responds, “I rented an island for his birthday. A far, far away place where no one can find us.” As one does. Kanye, in a moment of stunning self-awareness, says, “You see, those are the type of statements that make people not like us.” Then he makes an extended analogy to Owen Wilson’s character in Meet the Parents. Kim has no further comment.
And they really don’t like Taylor Swift
No surprise here—when asked about their favorite Taylor Swift song, Kanye answers, “I don’t have one.” Kim adds, mournfully, “I was such a fan of hers.” Love a past-tense shade.
Kanye West thinks highly of himself, but doesn’t understand the definition of vanity
When asked to compare himself to a historical figure, Kanye West did not stutter: “Us? Muhammad Ali, Marilyn Monroe—all day. Next question.” And while Kim claimed that she’s the vainer of the two, West’s response sort of undermined that hypothesis. “Yeah, I think she has vanity. And with me, I don’t give a fuck, bro; it is what it is. I’m the best—now what? I don’t know if that’s a vain statement.” Kanye mused, before humbly adding, “I don’t particularly like photos of myself, though.”
Did I mention they’re weird?
If Kanye West was invisible, what would he do? “Women’s locker room.” What makes Kanye West laugh? “I think my sense of humor is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It’s like, ‘Is this a funny joke for real? Or am I just rich?’ See? That was funny.” Does Kanye West like thinking? “Here’s something that’s contrary to popular belief: I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I do not like to think at all.”
We love you, Kim and Kanye, almost as much as you love each other/yourselves. Never change.