The movies are full of fantastic magic and science fiction, some of which have come to life (such as Star Trek’s flip phones) and some which may never see the light of day (like the Jew-la-hoop from Wedding Daze).
This week, Greg and Jill Henderson brought to life the cinematic science of the hoverboard from Back to the Future Part II. Unfortunately, they cost $10,000 and are already sold out.
To celebrate the occasion, and inspire future innovation, we present twelve of cinema’s greatest inventions that have yet to be invented:
1. Interplanetary Spacecraft
As seen in: 2001: A Space Odyssey, Armageddon, Repo Man
While human rockets have propelled rovers and probes to the other planets in the Solar System (and beyond) most spacecraft capable of holding humans remain stubbornly Earthbound. Humanity’s only hope for survival is the development of long range space vehicles. Tickets will be free, but anyone who has ever denied anthropogenic climate change will be automatically denied a boarding pass.
2. Jet Pack
As seen in: The Rocketeer, Star Wars, Radar Men from the Moon
As air travel becomes increasingly frustrating and dehumanizing, the dream of personal aerial transport tempts the imagination. Physical and practical limitations aside, the ability to circumvent pedestrian traffic is every New Yorker’s dream, but a sky full of flying tourists above Times Square would soon become everyone’s nightmare.
3. Time Machine
As seen in: Back to the Future, The Time Machine, Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann
Whether it’s for five more minutes of sleep or a chance to kill Hitler, the time machine represents the ultimate in movie technology. But the potential endless do-overs carries is not without danger, even minor alterations in the past risk the creation of universe destroying temporal paradoxes.
4. Artificially Intelligent Robots
As seen in: Blade Runner, Metropolis, Wall-E, Forbidden Planet
The dream of robot servants has haunted the fantasies of lazy humans since cinema’s earliest days, but the inevitable robot uprising that would accompany such a labor force is too great a danger to dismiss. Instead of targeting service workers with automated replacements, intelligent robots could displace grossly overpaid and incompetent CEOs.
5. Geum-ja’s Gun
As seen in: Sympathy for Lady Vengeance
One of disarmaments biggest myths is the tired old canard that “once guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns” but without a robust firearms manufacturing industry to support the underground markets, the number of illicit guns would dry up over time. Into the void steps this double barreled, bespoke hand-cannon lovingly designed and built by cinema’s greatest avenger from the reconstructed secret plans of a North Korean communist spy. It only carries two bullets but it’s the perfect weapon for cold blooded revenge.
6. Power Tool Silencer
As seen in: Mission: Impossible, UHF
Anyone who lives near a construction site (or has neighbors that mow their lawns at absurdly early hours) would surely appreciate a device that renders power drills, jackhammers, and other loud machinery absolutely silent.
7. Universal Real Time Translator
As seen in: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Galaxy Quest, Stargate
Leave the travel books and inarticulate phrasing at home. The next vacation will be a breeze as instant understanding replaces repeating yourself at increasingly inappropriate volumes to communicate with the local inhabitants of your exotic travels. Some smartphones already have this technology, but the results are mixed.
8. Post-It Notes
As seen in: Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion
Post-It Notes are real and by now everyone should be aware that they were invented by Dr. Spencer Silver (which is coincidentally also the name of the villain in the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot) and Art Fry, but the world never got to experience the Post-It note invented by Romy White and Michele Weinberger. Like Klaatu’s gift in The Day the Earth Stood Still, they would have solved all the world’s problems and allowed humanity to explore the stars in peace.
9. Magic Typewriter
As seen in: Delirious, In the Mouth of Madness, The Tommyknockers
Whatever is written on this magical device instantly springs into (or out of) existence, sometimes without the writer having to touch the machine. Not only would a telekinetic writing device cut down on repetitive stress injuries, but its ability to manipulate the physical plane of existence would end pointless trips to the store. If the pantry is empty, just write yourself some beans and get to eatin’.
10. Bus of Holding
As seen in: Spice World
What appears to be an ordinary double decker bus from the outside is actually a permanent portal to a pocket dimension enabling infinite storage possibilities, an expanded wardrobe, and even a second story command center for Richard E. Grant. Say goodbye to passenger limitations and motion sickness as the interior remains steady enough for a massive fish tank, even as the bus jumps bridges.
11. Medical Bay
As seen in: Alien, Wanted, Jason X
The recent Ebola outbreak has dramatically illustrated the worldwide medical establishment’s shortcomings. Instead, future illness and injury should be treated by lying down on a well lit table while nanobots/science magic do the heavy lifting. Regrow limbs, cure cancer, or rock a killer outfit à la Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element.
As seen in: Born in Flames
Men… they’ve had their moment. Sure, there have been some nice stops along the way—like social democracy and hot, buttered popcorn—but it’s 2014 and long past time to hang it up. They only have the jobs because of their fathers, and their fathers only had their jobs because of their fathers. Time to retire, motherf@#kers.