THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!
How to Be Insufferable on the Fourth of July, Just Like These Celebrities
Whether it’s using your friends as pawns, turning patriotism into profit or simply being a hot mess, no one does July 4th like the most insufferable people on Earth: Celebrities.
It’s easy to be jaded about a holiday like the Fourth of July that celebrates liberty for all when the American Dream is still out of reach for so many. But you know who isn’t jaded? Celebrities. In yachts from sea to shining sea, these diehard patriots are gleefully redefining the pursuit of happiness.
Whether they’re taking selfies on the beach, cavorting with fellow celebs, or having a catered cookout, these stars are hell-bent on honoring the spirit of 1776. Because if you’re not sharing a red, white, and blue Instagram with your 50 million followers, then you might as well be a loyalist. In that spirit, we’ve compiled a few tips for how to Fourth like a famous person aka Make America Great Again. Happy holidays, everyone!
Upgrade à la T. Swift
Taylor Swift, the queen of hiding her belly button and exposing her love life, has much to teach us all about living our fiercest Fourth of July. In 2014, she shipped a bunch of famous ladies to her Rhode Island pad for a star-studded weekend. Guests like Emma Stone, Lena Dunham, Jaime King, Ingrid Michaelson, and Stone’s then-boyfriend Andrew Garfield cavorted in Swift’s quaint seven-bedroom, nine-bathroom home, “slipped into swimsuits” and “baked desserts.”
In 2015, Taylor Swift basically threw the exact same party, except she replaced her crew with a bunch of supermodels and teen idols like Gigi Hadid, Martha Hunt, and Seraya (plus boyfriends past and present Joe Jonas and Calvin Harris). Because if you’re not spending the 12 months in between Fourth of July weekends incrementally lowering the BMI of your collective friend group, then you’re clearly not taking this holiday seriously enough.
Swift’s is a truly American tale: She’s the unabashed celebrity equivalent of the girl who got really popular in high school and promptly ditched all her friends from middle school.
So what gluten-free, Taylor-approved Independence Day ingredients are readily available to us plebeians? If you’re a white male over the age of 21 who enjoys Rhode Island summers, hour-long hand-holding sessions and photo opportunities, you could actually be Swift’s boyfriend by next summer! And for all my single ladies trying to recreate Swift’s crazy/cool serial monogamist vibe, there’s no need to break the bank. If you’re on a budget, consider drawing a pair of luscious lips on a piece of white bread, then cradling your new paparazzi-ready paramour on a nearby rock formation. Alternatively, we hear that there are dozens of miscellaneous Kennedy cousins—just road trip to Cape Cod and arrange a DIY photoshoot with the first dirty blond white kid you find.
Party Like Justin Bieber
If matching American flag onesies and a mandatory high-waisted bikini policy aren’t really your thing, Justin Bieber offers a very un-Swiftian alternative. When not racking up frequent faller miles or exposing himself, Canada’s most problematic progeny has been known to throw one hell of a Fourth of July rager.
To pull a full Biebz, take advantage of America’s independence to sacrifice yours and pledge eternal loyalty to your on-again, off-again ex (bonus points if your ex also happens to be Selena Gomez). When you inevitably betray your significant other’s trust by returning to your hard-partying, drag-racing, hot-boxing ways, make sure to sublimate all of your heartbreak and disappointment into throwing the yacht party of the year!
A romantic Fourth of July in 2013 wasn’t enough to save Justin Bieber’s relationship from Justin Bieber’s personality, so the cherub-faced fuckboy did a holiday 180. Come 2014, the singer opened his heart, his yacht, and his champagne cellar to a boatload full of Miami Beach partygoers. Since it wouldn’t be a Justin Bieber party without nonsensical whining and a clear and present threat of violence, TMZ was there to catch one of Bieber’s bodyguards in a bit of an altercation with a paparazzo on the way to the event. In response to the fight, Biebz could be heard complaining “This is so ridiculous. Look what happens in my life...” from the backseat of his mammoth SUV.
Looking to throw down like Bieber? Just combine equal parts party boat, peroxide, random hotties, alcohol, Calvins, irony, and an inescapable sense that the world is out to get you. You should be cooking—and/or arrested—in no time.
Turn a Patriotic Profit Like Kim K.
Sometimes it feels like Kim Kardashian can’t open an app without breaking the internet. And we know any form-fitting leotard or fanny pack she sports on the Fourth of July will be on tabloid covers faster than a Rob Kardashian-Blac Chyna engagement. So naturally Kim, who shills waist trainers on the side and isn’t above a K-mart Kollaboration, isn’t about to waste this opportunity to monetize. This year, instead of showing off her Independence Day pride for free, Kardashian is turning to the free market—just as the founding fathers intended.
With a new Fourth of July-themed update to her Kimoji app, Mrs. West is looking to make even more money off of her wildly successful emoji keyboard. Like everything Kardashian does, these new emojis are firmly situated somewhere between iconic and psychotic. Along with your standard fireworks and Pablo one pieces, the update is inexplicably riddled with phallic, sexual imagery—more specifically, blowjobs. From an emoji of a Kim-like avatar suggestively eating a hot dog to one of her sampling a firecracker, it’s clear that Kim Kardashian has a very specific idea of how Americans like to celebrate their independence.
So this Fourth of July, consider honoring Kardashian-style Kapitalism with a get-rich scheme—like selling fake drugs to wasted college kids, or buying bargain meat for your barbecue. Better yet, thrill your bae with a very erotic emoji of Kim Kardashian performing oral sex on a popsicle. God bless the blowjob, God bless Kim Kardashian’s unrepentant pursuit of profit, and God bless America.