Cups of the Rosé
How Drake Won Over Serena Williams
Welcome to the Aubrena era, Internet.
Let’s talk about a little boy from Toronto by the name of Drake (by way of wheelchair Jimmy, by way of Aubrey Graham). Even Kanye admits that Drake is currently the greatest rapper out there. His journey from Canadian citizen to hip-hop legend in the making truly epitomizes the phrase started at the bottom now we’re here. Drake is the reigning rap game grandma—impossible to truly understand, adorable, and occasionally in a wheelchair. Few men are as lucky as Drake: He survived fake paraplegia and has released four acclaimed hip-hop albums—four more successful albums than any other Canadian Jew.
But Drake’s greatest accomplishments have always been with the ladies. Drake’s discography mentions more than 129 specific women. In addition to finally explaining the extremely high teen pregnancy rate on Degrassi, Drake’s multitude of allusions to strippers, ex-strippers, girls who don’t text him back and girls who hit him up for his Wi-Fi password, seemed to imply that the Canadian heartthrob wasn’t settling down anytime soon. That is, until rumors started circulating this summer that the rapper was getting back together with his ex, tennis legend Serena Williams.
Now Drake and Serena Williams (yes, he’ll be taking her last name) seem poised to become hip-hop’s next great power couple. We dissect why everyone (excluding the exotic dancers of America, the side ho union, and Drake’s Internet provider) is obsessed with the star couple.
Drake is finally settling down:
In the Venn diagram of fans of monogamy and fans of Drake, there’s a lot of overlap. It’s basically just a circle. Long dismissed as the softest rapper in the game, Drake has built a fan base out of wounded exes, diary-keepers, and momma’s boys. Drake is the rapper you listen to when you can’t stop wondering if your second grade girlfriend really was the one, or when you’re driving to pick up your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend at the airport (again). Unsurprisingly, this gang of lovable losers is pretty stoked by the idea that Drake may have actually found the one—even though I’m still rooting for Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree.
In classic sad boy fashion, Drake had to ruin things with Williams once to realize how good he had it. Back in 2011, the pair dated shortly and then split when the rapper couldn’t keep it in his pants. Following the breakup, Williams was quoted saying, “I do make mistakes — like every human does. But the last relationship was too much of a heartbreak for me.”
Of course, any Drake fan will tell you that the 6 God has a way of sliding into your heart—or your DMs. Williams was obviously powerless to resist the charms of Drake with a tennis sweater tied around his neck—no woman, not even Serena Williams, is that strong—and the two were spotted kissing at Wimbledon. But the match was officially called when the couple was photographed necking on Sunday at Sotto restaurant in Cincinnati.
No seriously, she's the one:
Just check out Drake’s verse on “My Love,” which The Fader’s Rawiya Kameir astutely pegged as a paean to all things Serena. He waited on you for so long!
And let’s not forget this touching Vine of the two celebs giggling at one another from across a tennis court. This 10-second video is like The Notebook, Titanic, and Romeo and Juliet combined, but with even more love because LOOK AT DRAKE’S SMILE, YOU GUYS! True fans will recognize this smile from the iconic Degrassi episode when wheelchair Jimmy finally gets it up.
Drake is whipped, and it’s even more hilarious than we ever could have imagined:
Drake has turned his reputed sensitivity and devotion into a meme-able brand. According to the Internet, he’s the kind of guy who swallows two gummy bears at a time so they don’t have to die alone, or who walks in on his girl cheating and says, “Sorry I came in at the wrong time.”
IRL, Drake is just as adorably about it—just watch him trying really hard to understand how tennis works, or Instagramming his girl because her wins are his wins and that’s just who Drake is.
Drake even traded in his old body (great for playing Xbox in) for a new one (great for not looking like a total wimp next to Serena Williams in). Drake’s latest gym day selfies are exactly what Justin Bieber thinks he looks like in the mirror. It’s only a matter of time before Champagne Papi starts serving us the Woman Crush Wednesday Instagrams Williams deserves.
It’s funny to watch them pretend it’s not a thing:
When asked by a reporter about her relationship with Drake, Williams rolled her eyes before responding, “We’ve been friends for, like, so many years...Just like family.” Unless she’s talking Game of Thrones-style family dynamics, we’re pretty sure that’s bullshit. It’s also reminiscent of Drake’s own fakeout back in 2011, when he tweeted, “I cannot wait to put it on you and make you sweat..........during our match this weekend.” Oh Aubrey…you should probably let your ghostwriters take the hit on that one.
Drake is just killing it right now:
Reminiscing on his 2012 beef with Drake, rapper and Williams-ex Common admitted that, “At that time, I think it was the Drake-Serena situation…So unfortunately the war might have been over a girl.” It’s poetic justice that Drake’s Serena beef cycle is coming full circle, as their renewed relationship almost perfectly coincides with his recent ass-whupping of Meek Mill. After Nicki Minaj’s boyfriend accused Drake of using ghostwriters on his tracks, Drake fired back with two diss tracks. “Is that a world tour, or your girl’s tour?” was the line heard ’round the Internet, as the world unanimously ruled Drake the rap battle winner (luckily, Nicki has set up Meek’s Google search to filter out potentially offensive or mature content).
Apparently incapable of just reading out the words that Minaj wrote down for him, Meek Mill insisted on publishing his own diss song, “Wanna Know,” which was met with more critical disdain than a Macklemore-Iggy Azalea collaboration. Drake is clearly taking tips from bae, a woman who knows that failure simply isn’t an option. I guess that means that Meek Mill and Maria Sharapova sort of have something in common.
The sky is the limit:
After a shade-filled summer, Drake’s future is looking brighter than ever. Aubrena (portmanteau pending) is easily poised to become the world’s reigning hip-hop couple. We’re talking more famous than Kanye and Kim, more talented than Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and physically intimidating enough to beat the crap out of anyone who suggests otherwise. This couple is truly the gift that keeps on giving—picture a tennis-themed Drake-Bob Marley remix called “One-Love,” or a Williams-progeny play date with Blue Ivy (aka an Illuminati summit that will surely dictate the course of history for years to come). Imagine Serena Williams’s trophy room—now imagine Drake polishing those trophies with a rag in one hand and a baby monitor in the other. Thank me later.