If you were still wondering what to get Sarah Palin for Christmas, your worries are over.
The folks at A&E may have suspended the Duck Dynasty patriarch from the show, but they will still sell you a Phil Robertson bobblehead for Palin or perhaps a homophobe in your life.
“The original Duck Commander is yours with the Duck Dynasty Phil Bobblehead. The Robertson patriarch can always be counted on for sound advice and true redneck values,” the Official Duck Dynasty Store site says. “Now you can count on him to be at your desk every day for a pick-me-up and a big-bearded bobble. Get the original redneck millionaire and show you’re Duck Dynasty’s greatest fan.”
As of Sunday, you could still order the bobblehead in time for Christmas. A&E even offered a 20 percent discount, cutting the price from $24.95 to $19.99.
And that was just one of a whole line of Phil Robertson products available. Should that homophobe have a child or grandchild, there is a onesie Happy Happy Happy Crawler, available in red and royal blue at a 17 percent discount, knocked down from $17.95 to $14.97.
“Prevent any temper tantrums by keeping baby in this Happy Happy Happy Crawler,” the site says of this product. “The Duck Dynasty Duck Commander Baby Happy Crawler features Phil Robertson’s cheerful quote. With your little one in this bright red crawler you’re sure to raise a true Duck Commander.”
One user review is from a grandmother, who enthuses, “Great message for a baby. Can’t wait to see my grandchild in it.”
If you do not mind paying full price, for $39.95 there is the life-size Phil Cut Out Stand-Up.
“Get up close and personal with Phil Robertson your favorite duck hunter!” the site says of this item. “With your very own life size Phil Cut Out Stand-Up, you and fellow Duck Commander fans can have a ball fitting your face inside of Phil’s Cut Out. For hours of entertainment at your next Duck Dynasty party or any old time, be the original bearded patriarch. Faith, family and ducks—that’s your mantra, too, so go on and be Happy Happy Happy in full bearded glory!”
There is also the Duck Dynasty Phil Robertson Happy Happy Happy Poster, with which you can “jazz up your décor “ at a 37 percent discount, from $7.95 to $4.97. And there is the Phil Figurine, yours at a 23 percent discount, knocked down from $12.95 and $9.97.
“Get this vinyl figurine and show that you’re a serious fan of Duck Dynasty,” the site says.
And then there is the Phil Robertson autobiography, Happy, Happy, Happy: My Life and Legacy as the Duck Commander, available in hardback for $24.99, with no discount offered even though it will need some serious updating given recent events. The book includes his college years:
“An NFL-bound quarterback, Phil made his mark on Louisiana Tech University in the 1960s by playing football and completing his college career with a master’s degree in English,” the blur says. “But Phil’s eyes were not always on the books or the ball; they were usually looking to the sky.”
The blurb goes on: “Phil grew up with the dream of living the simple life off the land like his forebears, but he soon found himself on a path to self-destruction—leasing a bar, drinking too much, fighting, and wasting his talents. He almost lost it all until he gave his life to God…He followed a calling from God and soon after invented a duck call that would begin an incredible journey to the life he had always dreamed of for himself and his family. “
The blurb was no doubt written before Robertson’s recent comments in a GQ interview comparing homosexuality to bestiality and the surfacing of a video taken in a Pennsylvania church where he clutched a Bible while declaring gays evil.
After the GQ comments became known, A&E suspended him from the show. Maybe the bobblehead can tell you why the network still sells a whole line of Phil products, even saying it is not too late to order them for Christmas and make a homophobe Happy Happy Happy.