KERMIT: Hi ho, I’m Kermit the Frog, here today to interview Miss Piggy for The Daily Beast!
MISS PIGGY: Kermie, who are you talking to?
KERMIT: The millions who read The Daily Beast. They’re here for this exclusive interview with you, one of the stars of our new movie, Muppets Most Wanted.
MISS PIGGY: Oh! This is an interview! Who’s conducting it? Oprah? George Stephanopoulos? Jimmy Kimmel?
KERMIT: No, actually I’m conducting the interview.
MISS PIGGY: You? What, they couldn’t afford a real interviewer?
KERMIT: They thought it would be interesting, me interviewing you. Since we know each other so well.
MISS PIGGY: That we do! Heheh.
KERMIT: Uh, right. So anyway, my first question is …
MISS PIGGY: Wait a second, what exactly is The Daily Beast—some kind of creepy pet-care magazine?
KERMIT: No, it’s a very important and respected online magazine.
MISS PIGGY: Online? As in “no-glossy-photo-spread”?
KERMIT: I’m sure there’ll be pictures. Lots of pictures.
MISS PIGGY: Of moi?
KERMIT: Absolutely….Anyway, my first questions is: What’s your new movie—Muppets Most Wanted—about?
MISS PIGGY: You know what it’s about. You were there when we made it.
KERMIT: Yes, but the readers need to know.
MISS PIGGY: Oh, all right. It’s a fabulous funny intrigue-filled action musical picture about moi―and the rest of the Muppets―on a world tour! I have multiple production numbers, countless extreme close-ups, and dozens of costume changes―including a wedding dress designed exclusively for moi by British fashion legend Vivienne Westwood. I hope they run a picture of the dress.
KERMIT: I’ll ask them. But, Piggy, that really doesn’t tell folks the story. Y’know, how an evil frog named Constantine, who looks just like me, takes my place and begins to commit daring crimes! And I end up in a prison guarded by Nadya, played by Tina Fey.
MISS PIGGY: Oh, you mean the plot. I didn’t really get all the details of that.
KERMIT: You did read the script, didn’t you?
MISS PIGGY: Of course, but only my parts. Don’t worry, friends, there’s oodles of moi in this movie. I’m solid Oscar bait for 2015.
KERMIT: Good luck with that.
MISS PIGGY: It’s Hollywood. Luck has nothing to do with it.
KERMIT: Let’s talk about our co-stars in the movie, Tina, Ricky Gervais and Ty Burrell.
MISS PIGGY: Yes, of course. Tina, Ricky and Ty are also in the movie.
KERMIT: Uh, what was it like working with them?
MISS PIGGY: Marvelous. I loved them all, especially if they’re voting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.
KERMIT: I understand, you had a bit of a problem with Tina.
MISS PIGGY: You bet I did, buster! She plays this prison warden, Nadya, who falls in love with you. And she took her part a little too seriously.
KERMIT: You really didn’t have to karate chop her.
MISS PIGGY: It was a love tap. If I actually hit her, there’d be no new season of 30 Rock.
KERMIT: 30 Rock is off the air now.
MISS PIGGY: Oh darn! I loved that show. Well, in any case, Tina and moi are now close personal friends and we adore each other.
KERMIT: Okay. What about Ricky Gervais? He’s known for being kind of mischievous.
MISS PIGGY: Only on the first day.
KERMIT: Another “love tap”?
MISS PIGGY: You guessed it, Kermie. In any case, he’s hilarious in the movie! He plays Dominic Badguy, who is in cahoots with Constantine, the evil frog. In fact, they do a marvelous musical number together! It’s so good, I watched it even though I’m not in it!
KERMIT: Wow, that’s a first.
MISS PIGGY: I did it for Ricky. He better be able to vote for the Oscar.
KERMIT: And tell us about Ty Burrell.
MISS PIGGY: Oh! That lovely French gentleman!
KERMIT: He’s not really French. That was a fake accent.
MISS PIGGY: Really? I thought only Meryl Streep was allowed to do fake accents.
KERMIT: I think Ty got permission from her. Anyway, Ty is American and he’s one of the stars of the hit TV show Modern Family.
MISS PIGGY: Oh, I love that show, too! I wonder if they’d like moi to do a guest spot?
KERMIT: It could happen. Was Ty fun to work with?
MISS PIGGY: He’s adorable! He plays an Interpol agent who is chasing Constantine and Dominic. And as they say in the trades: Hilarity ensues.
KERMIT: What about the other Muppets?
MISS PIGGY: You’re in it. And, obviously, I’m in it. And then, the other Muppets are in it, too, I guess. But mostly you and moi.
KERMIT: No wonder they love you.
MISS PIGGY: Who doesn’t? Don’t answer that.
KERMIT: Why don’t you tell us about all the cameos in the movie.
MISS PIGGY: Oh yes! I have so many famous friends, and they all showed up on set to watch moi work! So naturally, I said, “Be in our movie! Just for a little bit, not so we have to get you a star trailer or give in to your outrageous contractual demands, but just long enough to thrill the audience!”
KERMIT: You got some big names: Lady Gaga, Tony Bennett, Sean Combs, Josh Groban, Salma Hayek, Celine Dion, Tom Hiddleston—just to name a few.
MISS PIGGY: And there are many, many more! So remember, everyone: come see moi in Muppets Most Wanted and I promise you’ll be surprised and delighted by all my famous friends!
KERMIT: Tell us about your duet with singing legend Celine Dion.
MISS PIGGY: Oh! Celine! Celine! Celine! Such a sweetheart! And she sings like an angel. During my career, I’ve sung with many great stars and I can honestly say that Celine is the best back-up singer I have ever worked with.
KERMIT: I thought it was a duet.
MISS PIGGY: Well, that’s what we told her. But I carried the song.
KERMIT: Celine, if you’re reading this, Miss Piggy is just kidding around.
MISS PIGGY: Are you talking to the readers again?
KERMIT: Yes—just trying to save The Daily Beast from having to issue a retraction.
MISS PIGGY: You are so thoughtful. That’s one of the many things I love about you.
KERMIT: Yes. Right, well, that kind of brings us to the last question that The Daily Beast wanted me to ask you.
MISS PIGGY: Ooh! I love last questions! That means we get to break for lunch! Go ahead.
KERMIT: Here goes: Tell us about your relationship with Kermit.
MISS PIGGY: Tell you? I’d much rather show you.
KERMIT: Uh, Piggy … this is on-line, they can’t see us.
MISS PIGGY: That’s even better!
KERMIT: Do you really need to sit so close?
MISS PIGGY: You think this is close? As my dear friend Al Pacino would say: “I’m just getting warmed up!”
KERMIT: I think this interview is over.
MISS PIGGY: Good, then we can go to lunch.
KERMIT: Right, as soon as you get off my lap.
MISS PIGGY: We could order in.
KERMIT: The Daily Beast is picking up the tab.
MISS PIGGY: Oh, in that case, I’ll call Wolfgang Puck, you bring the car around.