Charlie Sheen Applauds His Firing

Charlie Sheen applauded his firing from sitcom Two and a Half Men on Monday. “This is very good news,” he said in a statement. “They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension." Sheen then appeared atop the Live Nation building wielding a machete. His lawyer has already announced plans to sue Warner Brothers for the termination.