Charge Your Phone By, Um, Wanking
The Wankband combines two things millennials love: smartphones and masturbating.
Indeed, no one need ever leave the house again thanks to Pornhub’s Wankband, a wearable that powers up your phone with each self-loving stroke. The bracelet is embedded with a weighted valve that measures each movement up and down, generating energy it then stores for use on your charge-less electronics.
Though the product is currently in production stages it seems likely it’ll be a hit. After all, if there are two things people of the 21st century are willing to devote their time to, it’s phones and jerking off. And, given the shoddy battery lives of our trusty iPhones, an extra means of charging that bad boy up would not go amiss.
In the promotional video, Pornhub acknowledges that it’s contributing to users’ problems, not by giving viewers unrealistic expectations of sex, or distracting them from going out and finding the real thing, but by requiring them to charge their devices every now and then in between logging on. Duh! Yes, PornHub want you to “love the planet by loving yourself”—a pretty darn spurious basis upon which to be manufacturing a sex gadget, if we’re honest. But hey, if it extends our battery lives, we’re listening.
The ad says the device “adapts naturally to your routine, working during your most relaxed and self-gratifying moment of the day, and generating electricity from a natural source—man power!” That’s all well and good, but it’s a tad confusing that they’d call this sordid little interlude “relaxing” when it’s got to be happening somewhere reasonably public to make any sense at all. Surely the only reason you’d need actually to charge something in this way would be due to an absence of wall sockets, which would enable you to plug in like the rest of civil society. We all like killing two birds with one stone, but we’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
Granted, for those who use their phones for a cheeky porn fix during the day, the Wankband must be the answer to their (fairly inappropriate) prayers. And, at festivals, in desperate need of some battery, the device could, just about, if we really sell it to ourselves, seem almost logical. But on the day to day? It just doesn’t follow. Anyone more likely to remember to bring their jizz bracelet to work over a phone charger probably doesn’t deserve to have a job. Yes, sure, it’s supposed to save the planet, but the amount of time you’d need to put in to generate anything more than an infinitesimal shred of battery life would probably be worse for your overall wellbeing than plugging in for five minutes.
Rob, a 38-year-old teacher, is unimpressed with Pornhub’s latest offering. “Kinetic energy is nothing new. It’s a voyeuristic absurdity with minimal impact on the earth. What’s next? Using the heat from thrombosis to warm the house?”
It’s true, to an extent at least: Pornhub’s attempt to frame this as some polar-bear-saving-wank-enabler feels unconvincing at best. The band also requires connection with devices via a USB cable, which definitely seems like the most conspicuous possible means of charging up. As if it wouldn’t be bad enough explaining to your boss why you’d ditched your desk for 20 minutes, good luck doing so with an iPad dangling off your wrist.
It’s hard not to catch on to the product’s optimism, though. They’re cheerily selling the idea as a simultaneous organizer of eco-orgies, a lifeline for the unemployed, and a way of impressing girlfriends who walk in mid-masturbation that you’re doing it all in the name of saving on your electricity bills—all of which are so patently ridiculous, they could have only been dreamt up by an overpaid group of man-babies.
The Wankband is a fun novelty gadget, sure, but it’s not going to be powering the future of “dirty energy” anytime soon.