In the spirit of this season of boozy holiday parties—and the animal-brain antics that often follow—we have culled together videos of 10 memorably drunk celebrities. Aside from a cautionary sort of entertainment, a review of these clips could serve as salve after your own embarrassing, cocktail-fueled gaffe. Here, David Hasselhoff is goaded by his teenage daughter, both of whom will star in the new A&E reality show The Hasselhoffs on Dec. 5, as he tries to stay conscious while eating a cheeseburger. A "jet-lagged" John Stamos calls out an Australian journalist on live TV for having "a small penis." Ben Affleck, still feeling his oats on a Sunday morning, mauls a lovely French journalist and suggests she do the show topless. And Kiefer Sutherland attacks a Christmas tree. Cheers!
David Hasselhoff Struggles with a Cheeseburger
Hasselhoff was divorcing his wife of 16 years, Pamela Bach, and rehearsing for a Las Vegas stage production of The Producers when his then-16-year-old daughter Taylor-Ann filmed him shirtless and barefoot, lying on the floor, trying heroically to stay conscious long enough to eat a cheeseburger. The 2007 video was a gut blow to Baywatch and Knight Rider fans, especially. "Are you going to do your show tomorrow? You promise me?" Taylor-Ann is heard asking. "Don't get alcohol. You see what it's doing to you?" "This is a mess," Hasselhoff replies, apparently referring to the burger on the floor. The clip aired on several TV shows and prompted Hasselhoff to issue a sad statement explaining that he is "a recovering alcoholic" who had a relapse. One day at a time, man.
Danny DeVito Really Loves Limoncellos
The It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia star caused a tiny kerfuffle after his inebriated appearance on The View in 2006. But credit goes to the pint-size actor for coming clean straightaway, explaining to the celebrity kaffeklatch that he hadn't been to bed after a night out carousing with George Clooney. "I knew it was the last seven Limoncellos that was going to get me," he told them. Somehow that segued into a story of his night in the Lincoln Bedroom, back when Bill Clinton was still in the White House. Then DeVito lapsed into a cartoonish impersonation of then-President George W. Bush. The visit ended with DeVito's rambling plot analysis of his holiday comedy Deck the Halls. When Barbara Walters shut him down, he feigned hurt feelings and curled up on Rosie O'Donnell's lap. A good time was had by all—and DeVito ended up launching his own brand of Limoncello.
Ben Affleck Mauls a French Reporter
Affleck circa 2004 was knee-deep in his post-Jennifer Lopez malaise, struggling to hold on to his acting career after Gigli and Jersey Girl. He was better known as tabloid fodder than bona-fide movie star, and it would be two years before Hollywood took him seriously again. So it's no wonder the guy tied a few on. But, even the most die-hard Affleck fans will find this clip hard to stomach. Apparently still drunk on a Sunday morning, he mauls a comely French TV reporter, bear-hugging her on his lap, burying his face in her neck, slurring about her "lovely perfume," quizzing her about her cleavage. When she demurs that it's Sunday morning, he fires back, "That never stopped you before from getting those titties out. Who you tryin' to fool?"
Paula Abdul Slurs About a 'Wild Party'
Abdul was beloved for her ditzy demeanor and blatant sentimentalism on American Idol. But in 2007, while promoting the sixth season of Fox's ratings monster, she was cast in a less-flattering light after a couple of embarrassing live TV interviews. The clip that got the most Internet traffic featured a slurring, swaying, yet still good-natured Abdul on a Fox affiliate in Seattle. As the interview began, Abdul seemed almost incoherent, though she pulled it together toward the end. "It's a wild party where you are!" she said with a beaming smile. "Any publicity is good publicity. You gotta learn to eat it up!" Despite Abdul's denials of any addictions, by Thanksgiving 2008, she was ready to get sober. She told Ladies Home Journal that's when she checked herself into La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, California, and sweated out a 20-year addiction to painkillers.
Kiefer Sutherland Climbs a Christmas Tree
Sutherland is perhaps the most righteous in his intoxication of all the celebrities known to conspicuously imbibe. He's a guy who, not unlike 24's Jack Bauer, has been known to head-butt a police spokeswoman in a misguided attempt to stand up for Brooke Shields. He has no qualms about getting shirtless in a London strip club or baring it all in a restaurant booth. But don't hold your breath for any doleful apologies. Instead, check out Sutherland's Christmas moment of self-awareness, in which he intimates the true source of his debauchery. Turns out he's actually a pirate.
John Stamos Quips About Reporter's Small Package
Stamos was feeling no pain—or as he later explained, was just "plastered"—during an early sitdown on the Australian talk show Mornings With Kerri-Anne. It was summer 2007 and he was there to promote the NBC drama ER. But the chat devolved immediately into Stamos calling out Confidential Daily Telegraph's Jeffrey Downey for an unflattering piece he'd written, saying the reporter had a "small penis." He repeatedly boasted that he'd been flown to Australia "for free" and then proceeded to talk over the host with such gems as "I woke up this morning at 2:30 and have not slept since and I'm still funnier than hell!" After the video went viral, Warner Bros. urged Stamos to claim that he was "jet-lagged." "I said, 'No, tell 'em the truth! I was fucking drunk in Australia,'" Stamos told The Advocate in October. "Big deal."
Courtney Love Crashes Pamela Anderson's Roast
This list wouldn't be complete without at least one Courtney Love episode. Her intoxicated outbursts are myriad—nay, legendary—from crashing Madonna's MTV interview back in 1995 to baring her breasts for David Letterman in 2004 to last month's naked interview with The New York Times. Here we see a decidedly unrepentant Love in August 2005 taking the podium at her friend Pamela Anderson's Comedy Central roast, still on probation for some assault charge and, as she told the audience "clean and sober for a fuckin' year." Love still gets a few (intentional) laughs out of the audience and, despite a few stumbles, makes it through her bit without face-planting on the stage.
James Brown 'Livin' in America!' on CNN
The late singer, out on a mere $15,000 bail after coming after his wife with a lead pipe and opening fire on her car, is upbeat to the point of being delusional during this CNN interview from the mid-1990s. He opens the interview by answering the first question—"How did all this trouble begin?"—with a rousing "Livin' in America!" Things go downhill from there, with Brown speaking in tongues one minute, and in another, grinning wildly into the camera and summing up his feelings with, "It's a maaan's woooorld!"
Tracy Morgan Bares His Belly for the Ladies
Before he was Tracy Jordan on NBC's cult comedy 30 Rock, he was Tracy Morgan, a character just a shade less ridiculous. While promoting his stand-up show on (yes, another) morning show on ABC's El Paso, Texas, affiliate in 2007, he bares his belly and smacks the flab for the pretty ladies. "That's a matin' cawl," he tells the camera. Morgan catches his profile in the monitor and notes: "I look good on there. I look handsome. I can see why I got so many kids. Somebody going to get pregnant while I'm in town. Two days. Watch. Laaadies! My Mercedes!" The interview ends with the host and the camera operator laughing hysterically as Morgan strips off his shirt, wiggles his hips, and declares: "I'm Captain James T. Kirk!" Keep up the good work, Tracy.
Britney Spears and K-Fed Get the Munchies at Home
And finally, the beleaguered Britney Spears was filmed in 2006 by her then paramour, Kevin Federline. Here, we see the snack-munching Spears loudly belch, complain about her aching jaw, and shout at Federline for "lookin' through the peep-hole" of the videocamera. She'd just come off a tour and was more content to stay home and drink than venture out. Still, Spears was struggling with a sense of isolation. "I feel like I've been missin' out," she tells him. "On life." Then she muses about the possibility of time travel.