It seems like only yesterday that Bristol Palin was just an uncomfortably pregnant 17-year-old smiling in the background of Sarah Palin’s failed vice presidential campaign. Now the former political problem has become a political problem-solver, taking on the most pressing issues our nation faces today, from gender-neutral underwear to Planned Parenthood’s war on Jesus.
When she’s not praising President Obama’s leadership skills (SARCASTICALLY, you guys) or posting Palin family portraits (often featuring a gun or a dead animal or some intriguing combination of the two), Bristol’s blog becomes Bristol’s burn book. Like a pitbull with a tube of lipstick and a misguided value system, Palin Jr. has begun to sink her teeth into celebrities, particularly those she perceives to be liberal darlings.
Moving away from her Pulitzer Prize-winning series on celebrities who have regretted their abortions, Palin has recently focused her ire on specific stars for a variety of alleged crimes ranging from not being Christian enough, to not liking Christians enough, to being transgender. In lieu of offering nuanced, two-sided narratives, Palin consistently supports her opinions with sound bites from ultra-conservatives at Fox News and Breitbart—essentially building arguments on a foundation of sand, self-tanner, bigotry, and bad toupees.
Palin’s most trendy celebrity feud was her two-part takedown of Lena Dunham. Bristol’s rant, which called Dunham a child molester and claimed that “Liberals in today’s media can do no wrong, while conservatives can do no right,” was shared by Sarah Palin in a very flashy ALL CAPS Facebook post. Faster than you can say conservative click bait, the mommy-daughter duo were tandem-arguing in defense of the Duggar family and against liberal witch Lena Dunham. Because the family that hates together gets hits together!
Bristol Palin loves comedy (when she’s not reiterating Sarah Palin’s belief that Louis C.K. is a “vile person”). For example, Palin thought Miley Cyrus’s recent Paper magazine cover story, which featured the star’s candid remarks on her gender identity and sexuality, was “hilarious.” Bristol, who has in fact watched Seinfeld, lol’d at the fact that although Miley describes herself as nonjudgmental, she “maintains a particular contempt for fundamentalist lawmakers” and has rejected her parents’ Christianity. After having a good laugh, Bristol wrote, “Oh, Miley. Thanks for giving us the best example of what ‘tolerance’ looks like in Hollywood: it looks a lot like contempt.” If Bristol Palin actually had a sense of humor, she probably would have recognized the comedic potential in a hypercritical conservative blogger writing a contemptuous attack piece calling someone out for being intolerant and contemptuous.
Remember how all those high school friends you forgot to unfollow on Facebook were posting aggressive, angry statuses about Caitlyn Jenner being awarded the ESPYs’ Arthur Ashe Courage Award? Bristol Palin, whose sports mania is rivaled only by her transphobia, was all over that story. Palin picked up on the online trolls who were claiming that Jenner was chosen over military veteran-amputee Noah Galloway. Offering her patented Palin twist, Bristol proclaimed, “Caitliyn Jenner looks great! I don’t care what people do…honestly I have gay friends, but it drives me crazy that people like Noah don’t get recognized for sacrificing their LIFE for our country, while being gay/transgender makes you a hero.”
The only thing sadder than picturing Palin’s token gay friend slowly wasting away in Wasilla is Bristol’s misconception that she’s actually being tolerant. In addition to misspelling Caitlyn’s name, Palin is conflating knowing gay people (/a single gay person?) with embracing trans individuals. Because publicly transitioning and obtaining trans visibility on a national platform isn’t brave—but using your blog to mask transphobia as patriotism definitely is. In light of accusations that Palin was “duped” by online reports that Caitlyn Jenner was chosen over Noah Galloway (when in fact no other candidates were publicly named), Palin wrote a winning follow-up post, insisting that, “The only hoax is the media’s weird inability to see the truth.” Sorry, liberal media: You just got bested by some classic Bristol wordplay.
All joking aside, Bristol Palin actually deserves an ESPY Courage Award for her blog post: “Toni Morrison Thinks Shooting White People Will End Racism.” In this truly bold, bravely misinformed missive Palin, a white celebrity blogger, chastises legendary black writer Toni Morrison on her statements regarding—you guessed it—race. To paraphrase, Morrison had said that racism would be “over” when a cop shot an unarmed white teenager, or a white man was convicted for raping a black woman. While reaching for her smelling salts, Palin breathlessly wrote, “I even checked the original article, thinking surely this quote was taken out of context. But no, it looks like that’s really all she said! Ms. Morrison, revenge is no way to make wrong things right. It only creates more problems. Frankly, she should know better!” That’s right—Bristol Palin’s got a high school degree in race relations, literacy, and being unjustifiably patronizing—and she’s not afraid to use it!
Luckily for any celebrity who's trying to cop a ride on Todd’s jet skis, garnering the Palin’s approval isn’t as difficult as it may seem. Sure, Bristol hates “Hollywood” almost as much as she hates gender-neutral underwear (“Nice try, ladies, but you still can’t get around anatomy!”). But she loves stars that like Jesus/guns, hate abortions, and think that Ferguson rioters are “scumbags.” In “this Liberal world,” Bristol Palin has managed to uncover a handful of god-fearing celebrities, like Bono and Dwayne Johnson.
Here’s praying The Rock isn’t gay.